There is one way to lose weight and get fit, and one only: Eat less and do more. That’s it. The actual degree of doing will determine whether you end up like Charles Atlas (right), immune to bully-kicked sand, or merely able to visit the swimming pool without somebody asking to borrow your rubber-ring, but the principal is sound.
This neat, balanced equation hasn’t stopped the lazy citizens of the first world seeking an easy way out, however. We toss cash at any shortcut, however ridiculous. Simply run a half-hour informercial populated with baby-oiled hunks and honeys pumping their perfect pecs and playing Skiffle on their abs and you’re guaranteed to sucker the flabby viewer who has trouble lifting their remote control into firing position. Welcome to the world of the Novelty Fitness Device.
The Bullworker
This was my first initiation into fitness toys. I never owned one, you understand, but I did try one at the house of a friend back in the 1970s. The Bullworker is an “isometric exercise device” and works in one of two ways. Two cylinders fit inside each other and contain a spring. Push the handles at each end and and you meet resistance, building up your weak, hollow chest, for example. The addition of two cables slung from one handle to the other allowed for pulling exercises, although the only thing I managed to pull was a muscle. The best thing, though, is the name. Bullworker. I feel more manly just saying it.
Product page [Bullworker]
The Thighmaster
This one I did own, and looking a the products page for Suzanne Somers’ Thighmaster shows you exactly why this stalwart of the infomercial world was so popular. Take a look at a picture of Suzanne reclining with the 80s spring-loaded bondage device and at the same time read this promotional sentence:
You’re just a few squeezes away from the thighs you’ve always wanted.
Is it any wonder these sell so well?
Product page [Thighmaster]
The Abdominizer
Abdominizer was a ground-breaking pre-post-punk acoustapowerfolkrock trio consisting of… Wait, no. The Abdominizer was a bent piece of plastic which would support your lower back when pumping those abs. Alone, the Abdominizer could stand as a symbol for TV shopping channels everywhere, a cheaply made, overpriced widget that is destined to be unpacked, tried exactly once, and consigned to the basement to be stored alongside the juicemaker which cost you $200.
The Ab Roller
The Ab Roller can still be seen if you look carefully enough. It is in the corner of your gym, sun-faded plastic cracking slightly, the vinyl covered armrests sporting a thin coating of dust. The Official Ab Roller site claims that over ten million units have been sold, and no wonder. The Holy Grail of fitness is the washboard stomach, or “Sixpack”, a name which neatly alludes to the true reason for wanting “cut abs”: No beer belly.
The Ab Roller is at least effective but alas, doesn’t make those crunches any easier. The only thing that will lose weight is your wallet.
Product page [Ab Roller]
If all of this is making you feel like putting down that beer and firing up QVC, we have a little fact that will thoroughly discourage you. In 2003, Brazilian showoff Edmar Freitas managed 133,986 sit-ups in 30 hours. We don’t know which is more amazing, the amount of crunches or the fact that he bobbed up and down for well over a day.
Take this list as a beginning. We want to hear all about the ridiculous (and preferably expensive) ends to which you have gone in the name of vanity.
There is never a moment of boredom with the Stunt Granny around.
