The Five Worst Movie Toy Tie-Ins Of All Time
Sunday, May 11th, 2008
Since Star Wars, every movie made comes with some form of tie-in. Many of these have become collectible and many have been forgotten. There were also some pieces of merchandise begging to be made but which somehow never materialized, such as the When Harry Met Sally Vibrator (with realistic fake climax sounds) or the HAL 9000 Home Automation Kit (”Open the refrigerator door, Hal.” “I’m sorry Dave. I can’t do that”).
Some movies are only about merchandise, essentially 90 minute long commercials for toys (we’re looking at you, Transformers), but this list is dedicated to the childhood disappointment meted out by inferior spin-offs, toys which took the magical promise of movie props and crushed it into a wad of plastic disillusionment.
Photo [Dave Hicks and Skaro.org]
The TARDIS, 1970s
Ok, not strictly a movie tie-in, but this Denys Fisher made piece of junk was a huge disappointment to me when I got it for my birthday. What’s the central premise of the TARDIS? It’s bigger on the inside. This flimsy plastic box was not only slightly smaller on the inside, but it didn’t look anything like a TARDIS.
The light on top was replaced by a plunger which caused the inside to spin. Pressing those green and red knobs made the mechanism stop suddenly, and if you timed it right, the interior chamber would hide the action figure within, transforming the universe’s most advanced time traveling device into a cheap magic show prop. Lord knows what Tom Baker thought of his action figure becoming the dolly-bird assistant to a six year old Paul Daniels wannabe.
The Matrix Phone 2003
The Samsung SPH-N270 was made for The Matrix Reloaded, and as such was an inferior tie-in to an inferior film. The original and best Matrix featured the Nokia 8110, an upgraded 7110, aka the Bananaphone, which was a real phone in real meat-world use. The N270, however, was a feature lacking spinoff, complete with green-code-on-black-background digital rain graphics.
Look at it again. The design is like something glued together from Airfix-kit leftovers, a suit’s idea of cyberpunk. Only 10,000 were made, and that was around 10,000 too many.
Photos [jessharper78 and Ebay]
Star Wars Force Beam 1978
Actually, for a knock-off Light Saber, Force Beam isn’t a bad name, but the toy itself was. Essentially just a flashlight with a clear plastic tube, the Force Beam came with either a red or a green light and required the ubiquitous mobile power source of the 70s: D-Cell batteries, which probably cost more than the toy itself.
My brother and I had a couple of these (mine was the green one) and several problems became quickly clear through use. The tubes would buckle and bend, making combat difficult. There was a also a hemispherical plastic cap for the tube. This popped out after a few blows and left a rather sharp edge. The light managed to travel only halfway up the tube unless you were in complete pitch darkness, even with new batteries. And last, they were called Force Beams not Light Sabers. Like any such knock-off, these were designed to cynically cash in on parents’ lack of knowledge. Any kid knows that unless you have the real thing, you might as well have nothing at all.
Photo [Mr Punch’s Old Toys]
Dinky Star Trek Klingon Battle Cruiser 1977
Yup, I had one of these, too. Actually a pretty good toy, the ‘Klingon’ Battle Cruiser (note the apostrophes on the box) suffered from a poor choice of accessory which would make it impossible to sell today. It came with a small bag of plastic Photon Torpedoes which could be fired from the ship. See the little hole in the top of the bridge? The plastic disc would slot in and pressing one of the lugs on the side would fire it through a slot on the front.
So far, so safe. The thing was, these discs were the exact same size and shape as a Trebor Mint, a British mint something like a Polo with the hole filled in. This meant that you could fire the mints into your friends mouths, with hilarious choking effects.
That’s four, and I’ve run out of ideas already, which means it’s your turn. Leave your suggestions for the worst movie toys in the comments. You have the whole weekend. On Monday, I’ll pick my favorite and add it into this post. Remember to include links to pictures. Go!
